A Poem I Wrote When I Should Have Been Sleeping

Both and Neither

I feel for your absence.

It is slippery and changeable,

Timeless and separate all at once.

Turning past the soft deep bend to where we left you,

I feel the dark grey light on green grass,

Afternoon shadows of statues and trees

To which a consciously averted gaze can do nothing

for the memory of this place-

It is in my sinews, my tendons-

 the bend of weeds on the ground in the lining of my cells,

the tips of my fingers,

the curve of my hair.

Yesterday I felt you as if just released from your grasp,

Tilting my head up and face forward against the fog,

Senses straining to break past the solid barrier my hands meet,

Surely it must be possible,.

Only one step forward, to get to where you are.

But today the mist is further off now,

Far across the field, flowing in peaks and valleys,

Emphasizing the incredible distance,

The impassible sadness,

which grows gentler with the passing of days.

Today I feel you as a sadness,

a round and puckered stitch at my chest-

Effect and impact alone,

rather than the tingling in my outstretched fingers I knew you were before.

And what of tomorrow?

At what distance will you be then?

I don’t need to ask the question, because I know the answer,

And so do the trees and the shade and the green and the grey and the fog-

They whisper it to me on the wind-

Both and neither, always, my love.

Both and neither.

Thoughts Upon the New Year and the Passage of Time

You know how Facebook puts together a little year in review feature for you? Like, here was your 2013? Well after I looked at mine I thought, shit, I’m exhausted. And no wonder. I’d forgotten how very many things happened to me this year.

In 2013 I:

1)Started freelancing and stopped working for Greg’s aunt

2)Started going to a clinical nutritionist and undertook a drastic diet/exercise/supplement life change thing

3) Began a passionate but ultimately ill-fated relationship

Got out of a relationship in a crazy toxic break-up situation

4) Started a new job about a week later as an Associate Producer at News 10

5) Learned a whole new field/job/way of writing

6)Lost my job

7) Got back together with my ex in a fit of sadness and vulnerability

8) Realized instantly it was a mistake

9) Went through the agonizing, but ultimately right choice to tell said ex that though I loved him as a human, we could never ever be together romantically, and so I had to completely close the door on that

10) Was still, through the effort and maturity of both of us, able to maintain a friendship with said ex

11) Met a new guy that I like very much

It wasn’t until I saw the whole retrospective all together that it hit me. So many things have happened this year!! My goodness. I feel like I’ve packed like four or five years of learning and growing and hard times into one tumultuous 12 month period.

My mom also reminded me this morning that as of this coming Monday (December 30) my grandma will have been dead for 3 years. I always seem to forget, or block out, the dates of my grandparents death. But my mom and aunt remind me, because they both seem to be hyper-aware of them. I think it’s just a different way that we grieve- I want to forget the dates because they hurt, and they need to remember them. Not, of course, that I forget the time period, or time of year, or that it serves to blunt any of the experience. Its just different ways that the three of us react.

Isn’t it funny the way time works around emotionally charged experiences? It does not seem like three years at all. It seems like ten minutes sometimes, and also like decades, an eternity. As of early January my grandfather will be dead five years. That seems much further in the past to me.  Because at the same time, I had just gotten to Barcelona. And that seems like a lifetime ago.

Also this year I started talking about and getting treatment for my anxiety. This is a good, but sometimes daunting step. I realized that although my depression was fairly stable, I still had pretty significant anxiety that I felt hampered me in everyday activities. I went to a social worker/practitioner and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety/panic disorder. She made me feel better, and said that it was very common.  Just being able to think about it and talk about it with my mom and close friends was a big deal. I started using anti-anxiety meds, just when I need them. And I am SO glad I did.  They don’t make me feel drugged or out of it, and I don’t feel addicted to them, or like I need them on a daily basis. They just help me be normal, and take away that all encompassing “ahhh help im going to die” panicky feeling. So I have them when I need them, which is a huge comfort. I’ve been learning lots about myself and my anxiety and I reflect on it. It’s really a current that’s run throughout my childhood and entire life, but I didn’t realize it. Or name it as such. But as I think about it, so many things I did or didn’t do- anxiety was the root cause. It’s kind of mind-blowing. But these are all good steps, I know. Talking about how I feel, and getting treatment when I need it, and learning patterns and motivations. And accepting myself and how I feel. I’m really proud of myself, because I was SO SCARED to make that step. It was incredibly hard. And I did it. Yay, me!

Hmm, so what do I want for myself in the coming year? Well, more of what I’ve always wanted. Confidence and consistency. (Look, I even made an alliteration.) Confidence to realize my value, and consistency to follow through with the things I want, in seeking my goals.

This year, as I thought about resolutions, I thought about two things I wanted to work on. And it occurred to me that both of these things are based in fear. I want to try to procrastinate less. That’s a behavior of avoidance, and it really makes things much more difficult the longer it goes on. Also, I realized there are lots of things I don’t try for, because I’m afraid of failing. I’d like to learn to go for the things I want, and be less worried about the outcome- failure/success, etc. Slowly I want to learn to let go of the fear that causes both of these habits.

So, that’s my year in (super) brief. How has your 2013 been? What have you been up to? Now that I’ve told you about me, tell me about what’s been going on with you all.

sits down to hear stories

Wednesday

Hi, guys! How was your day? Mine was ok. Thought I'd tell you a little bit about what I did today.

This morning, like every morning, it was hard to get going. Because in general, mornings are terrible and should really start after noon. But it was especially hard to push myself into the day because I'd worked out really hard the day before and I was wicked sore. Oooph da. So I made myself a special breakfast for a nice pick-me-up.

Isn't it pretty? Incredibly tasty too. It's definitely my new favorite breakfast. It's got poached eggs inside of a slice of red bell pepper, so the egg stays inside and gets perfectly cooked. Beneath each one, there's a turkey sausage patty with half a slice of melted cheese. I love breakfast sandwiches but can't really have bread anymore, so I've been experimenting with my breakfasts. Soooo good. I got the idea for the egg/bell pepper slice combo online...isn't that genius?

Normally when I'm getting ready, the cat sits and watches me and when I'm dressed and done drying my hair I open the window and he sits on the sill looking out. But this time the cat didn't feel like waiting for that part...No, don't worry, you're not in the way at ALL. Sheesh, this guy. Way to get right in the middle of my morning routine. 

Then I went to work. Mostly work is good, although occasionally really stressful. I'm happy though because I've gotten to start choosing some of the stories myself. I've started completely doing the international and health blocks of stories in the 5 and 5:30 news. So that's cool. 

But sometimes I get crabby when people (producers, my boss the assistant news director) edit my work, but that's totally part of the job. And for the most part I don't take it personally, or try not to. A lot of it has to do with the personal preference of the producer. And also I'm learning a whole other type of writing, and that takes time. And having people critique my writing is part of the job- it's the only way I'm going to get better. But it can get frustrating when you work really hard and think something is good, and then it gets changed. Especially if it's a thing that happens day after day. Or if you get attached to a certain phrase or sentence or story. And I've been told that I'm doing really well, and that my stories have gotten a lot better. And to be fair to myself, I've only been there a few months and have basically learned a whole new field and computer program and way of writing. And of course I get more frustrated because I'm a perfectionist, and because I work hard, and genuinely care about what I'm doing. And of course I know all those things....

But some days, it makes you crabby. Today was one of those days. Ah well.

Then I went to the grocery store (I know, isn't my life riveting?!). I parked at the very end of the parking lot to try and get a little extra exercise. But then I checked out, walked my cart all the way back to the car, unloaded my groceries and realized....that I needed to go back because I forgot a few things.

And of course I was parked like half a flippin mile away. D'OH.  Me and my good ideas... Argle bargle.

Tomorrow my friend Heather is going to the gym with me. I went to the nutritionist last week, and he wants me to work out 5 times a week, so I'm trying really hard to do that. Heather's just started trying to work out and eat healthy. It's really nice to have someone to go with. Makes it much easier to actually GO. 

And this weekend my old neighbor and I are going to have a gluten-free pizza party. Yay! She recently stopped eating gluten and was talking about how hard it is to get good gluten free pizza. So she has a bread maker, and is gonna make dough with a few types of flours. And I'm going to make homemade pesto with the basil from my basil plant, and we're going to make a few different types of pizzas with different sauces and toppings and whatnot. Nom nom nom.

Welp, that's what's going on with me. Crazy fast-paced life, eh? Now, what was your Wednesday like? What did you do? 

Ten Things For an Extremely Rainy Thursday

Hi guys! How are you? How's your week going?
1) "Well, I guess I'm not going jogging", I said this morning when I woke up, in the massive understatement of the day. It's been pouuuuuring out today. Alllll day. I totally forgot about that part when I set my alarm to get up and go jogging this morning. Whoops. Can I at least get credit for good intentions? Probably not.

2) So the thing I posted yesterday about me being baffled by my friends- that was all started when my best friend told me she and her husband are thinking about having another baby. Me: YOU'RE DOING WHAT NOW?! I love my best friend, and I'm happy for her, and the almost three year old girl is fantastic. But I honestly pictured us doing all those big life milestones together.  Setttling down, getting married, having a baby, etc. But she's so far ahead of the curve, its bananas. It's right for her, but for me, I'm like light years away from that whole scene. Makes me feel kind of left out. Weren't we supposed to do that stuff together?

3) And speaking of babies, here's a side effect of going to a super-ultra-mega-Christian high school:
I am now the last girl in my high school class not to be engaged/married/have kids or some combination of the above. I mean, obviously it a skewed sample and doesn't represent most people my age. But just this week, four of the girls from my graduating class announced they're expecting. My class is shockingly fertile, all at once for some reason. And it's not like there's something in the water, because at this point everyone is scattered all across the country. Christians, man! They need to quit having so damn many babies.

4) My aunt got me a Ninja chopper for my birthday. Have you seen those things? I am super excited to use it to make dinner tonight. I feel like I spend my entire life chopping vegetables. (What did you do today, Amanda? Oh nothing, just chopped some vegetables for like six hours, how about you?)

5) I just bought a ticket to go see Social Distortion next Friday night, but it looks like I'll be going by myself. Seems like all my local friends/acquaintances aren't into classic punk music. A travesty, I tell you!

6) Remember how I posted about my aunt not listening to me, and all the stuff that's been going on with them and my cousin? Well I finally got fed up last night and called her and confronted her and told her how I really feel. It was SO scary to actually do, but oh my gosh, you guys, the RELIEF. I feel so much better. I come from a family where we avoid conflict at all costs. If we have a problem with someone, we complain to another family member, but never ever ever actually confront the person. So basically we spend our whole lives not being ourselves with the person bothering us and then slowly build up giant walls of resentment and anger. Because that makes sense. For that is the WASP way, you see. ANYWAY. I finally did it and it was terrifying at the time but it went about as well as could be expected. She seemed to receive what I had to say, and I was actually able to be honest. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. I'm so proud of me. Yay for mature emotional growth!

7) I'm donating blood this Saturday. I've had my blood drawn a zillionty times for medical stuff, but I've never actually donated, and I've always felt a little guilty about it. Because the whole thing makes me all squeamish. Bleahhhh. I don't even know for sure what blood type I am. I'm assuming O? Of some kind? It's giving me the willies just thinking about it. I'm sure it will be fine though. Ick.

8) This weekend we're going to get some strawberry and blueberry bushes and maybe a mint plant to put in the yard. Greg is coming to visit and he's already agreed to do the physical labor of planting in exchange for me baking some cookies. Sounds like a plan.

9) Hmm, what else? Let's see. I've been working 8 hour days instead of my usual six to make up for when I've been out sick. So now I'm basically in bed every night by 9:30 or 10 because I'm officially old and if I don't get enough sleep I completely fall apart as a human being.

10) Did I tell you guys I'm doing a 5k at the end of July? Yup! My best friend Mindy and I and a few of our friends are going to do it July 27th in Boston. It's one of those Color Runs, where you wear white clothes and they spray you with color every K, and by the time you get to the end you're all tie-dyed. Looks super fun. I actually bought one of those iphone armbands so I could wear it when I went jogging. And it's a pretty pearl pink color! And I got an app for Couch to 5k which helps you train. Soooooo, I should probably get on that because it's in like a month and a half. BUT I TOTALLY INTENDED TO GO JOGGING THIS MORNING. IT'S ALL THE RAIN'S FAULT.

11) And an extra one! You lucky people you! So last night I saw the episode of Doctor Who where the 9th Doctor, Christopher Eccleston, transforms into the 10th Doctor, David Tennant. Gak, so emotional!!! I'm still reeling. That show has the unique ability to make you feel strong conflicting/opposite emotions all at once, like emotional whiplash. Or like powerful storytelling based PMS. Or something. Too many emotions!!

Wisdom

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with a old college friend of mine. This must have been six or eight months ago, but I haven't been able to get it out of my head.

We went to school together for two years, and one of those years she lived on my floor. She was a nice girl, but had bipolar disorder, so at times she was really hard to deal with. I remember saying to my best friend that I liked her but that she was exhausting, because you never knew which person would show up- nice Becca and or crazy Becca. We'd been Facebook friends, but hadn't talked in, what, four or five years? Since then she's made a lot of life changes, including coming out as a lesbian and moving in with her girlfriend. This is more of a big deal if you know our history, and that we went to a conservative Christian college. She really seemed just so much happier and healthier all around, which was great. For whatever reason (I don't remember now) we started chatting on Facebook chat. What she said about me really blew me away.

She said she looked up to me so much at that time. She has a vivid memory of us sitting on my bed freshman year, and she was really upset about something and crying, and I was talking her through it. Apparently I said to her something like "I know this is really difficult for you now, but you're going to get over this hump and you'll look back later, and it won't seem big at all. You'll wonder why you were so upset about it, because you'll have progressed miles from that point." She said that really helped her, and that she gives that advice to people to this day. I honestly have no memory of ever saying that. Wow. But I do remember how I felt then- I was confident, and radiant, and full of an unshakeable sense of self. The whole world seemed to open up before me, and I was ready to embark into that world. Her comments seem to back up that assessment.

First of all, it's really flattering and touching to find out years later that you made an impact on someone, that you were able to help them and that they looked up to you. That is honestly really great advice, that I don't even remember giving. Where did I get such wisdom at eighteen? Where did that come from, what hidden place? I certainly don't feel wise now, or strong or confident. I sure as hell don't feel radiant or unshakeable. At some point, and honestly I remember exactly the point (or at least the first time this happened) that the world broke me (ugh, how very dramatic) or that something broke in me, and that I lost my sense of self, my belief in my self and my own strong qualities. I feel like ever since then I've been trying to build back to that point, to rebuild myself back to my own potential and what I could be. But I'm different now. I've been through lots more and I'm older, and I can't go back to that place. But how do I go forward?

I said to Becca that it was incredibly gratifying to talk to her and hear what she thought about me then, because I had been going through a really difficult year (or really few years, if I'm being completely honest). She was surprised. She assumed by my Facebook posts and pictures that I was happy and doing well. But of course I always make sure to only speak of positive things on Facebook, because I don't really think that's the forum to share your problems. Everyone puts a mask on with social media that their lives are perfect, and that the pictures of them smiling with friends and at weddings and with new babies are the whole truth. I do too. Facebook isn't real.

But I can't stop thinking about it. I was so awesome then! I was so awesome and I didn't even know it!! How did I not know that?  And more importantly, why am I not like that now? Where is that wisdom? Where is that confidence? Where is that radiant joy, waiting to bubble out? I'd like it back. I'd like to be the fullest, happiest, strongest, wisest, best version of myself.

The question is how.

Updates

       Man, oh man, you guys! Things have been happening!! They weren't always good things, but they were definitely things. Let me catch you up on what I've been up to for the last few months.

      So let's see. Well in January I started officially dating a guy I'd been seeing for a few months. His name is Bavard. He's Persian, and originally from Atlanta, finishing up his Master's in English Lit at a local university this semester and working at a homeless shelter for women and children on the weekends. He has a really cute two year old pitbull named Shogun.

         Also recently, I began seeing a clinical nutritionist to help treat my migraines. I started a really strict new diet right after Thanksgiving. It eliminated basically any sort of possible inflammatory or food trigger type food, including gluten, sugar, alcohol, dairy, nightshade plants (tomatoes, potatoes, eggplants), beans/legumes, nuts and seeds. So basically, that left me with lean proteins, veggies, and low glycemic index fruits, and water, tea or coffee to drink. (I insisted on keeping the coffee, as much for everyone else's safety and well being as my own.) I also started on a number of nutritional supplements, including a probiotic, and got a whole bunch of blood work. The diet has honestly been REALLY hard, especially at first. The first two weeks were brutal. I literally broke down in tears at one point and was sobbing "I just want to eat an entire pizza so bad right now!!" But it's definitely paid off. My migraines have been noticeably better, my cholesterol and blood pressure and BMI have dropped, and I've lost 25 pounds, with 15 of those pounds being pure fat. I've also learned a lot about food and nutrition and how to fuel my body in the process. Also, through my doctor, who is awesome and literally one of the nicest men on the planet, I've been able to pinpoint some sources of my migraines that I had no idea about before. I've been able to add in a few things slowly now, so that's been good. Also you can definitely see a change in my body with the new diet and added exercise, which is super encouraging.

Here are some of the main things I've learned:
1) Low blood sugar/Hypoglycemia- This is a big problem for me, and a big trigger. If I don't eat enough or often enough, my blood sugar gets too low and I get a migraine. This is one of the very biggest things I've found that effects whether I get a headache or not. So I've been making sure to eat at least every three hours, so I maintain a consistent blood sugar level. I try to eat healthy and within my diet as much as possible, but it seems most important that I eat *something*.
2) Vitamin D- Apparently I have really low Vitamin D, so I've been taking a supplement. I've also found that it helps my mood a lot, and improves anxiety/depression.
3) Pure Food- Rather than a specific food trigger, I've found that I've been helped a lot by avoiding prepackaged food that's packed with sugar and salt and chemicals. The simpler and purer, the better. This seems really simple, but it's crazy how much better your body feels when you give it real food.
4) I already knew that stress and hormones were a factor for me, and they continue to be so. There is only so much I can realistically do about that though, so at this point I just have to be aware of it and do my best to manage stress and get enough sleep and take care of myself. You know, all that stuff that you should be doing for yourself anyway.

*I was about to post this, and then I remembered another thing that happened, that was really crappy. At the end of January, I ended up having to go to the ER for gallbladder problems. So that sucked. Turns out I had gallstones and my gallbladder was all angry, and at least a good part of it was due to my new diet. The main causes of gallbladder problems are a diet full of too much fat (not my problem at all) or a major weight loss and a diet really low in fat. It was less the amount of pounds I lost, but more the fact that most of what I lost was fat. So the fat composition in my body shifted radically, and it made my gallbladder angry. Which made me really angry, because I was doing this really difficult thing to improve my health, and it ended up making me sick. What the fresh f**k is all that about?! I didn't want to have my gallbladder removed, because I didn't want surgery and it causes you to have at least some manner of digestive issues for the rest of your life. So I talked to my nutritionist and he gave me a supplement to help with bile production and the function of my gallbladder, and that's helped a lot. It still gets angry on me sometimes, when I haven't eaten enough all day, or when I've eaten something that is really processed and fatty. But overall it's a lot better. But those few weeks when I was struggling with the gallbladder symptoms and also still having migraines and I was angry and didn't know what the crap I was supposed to be doing with my diet....yeah that sucked. Pretty hard.

           But anyway, big reduction in the migraines, which is great. Because it opens up the possibility of being able to do the next thing I've got to tell you about- working full time. Remember that status I posted ages ago being preliminarily happy about a new job? Well.

          There has been an ENORMOUS amount of waffling and going back and forth about this one. It's been incredibly annoying, because I only wanted to tell everybody when I was certain I had the job, but everything kept changing and being uncertain!! Bah!! So I'm finally talking about it now, when it's more of a sure thing.

           Anyway, a bit more about the job. I've been offered an Assistant Producer position at a local news station. I first got word of the job, what, last November, when a friend of a friend and I started talking out at a bar and she mentioned the position after I gave her my business card. Many many moons later- a phone interview, an in person interview, a writing test, a tour, and a drug/background test  later- I've been offered the job. Unfortunately the start date has been pushed back to the beginning of April, for like a dozen legitimate but annoying reasons that I don't feel like explaining. This job would be great for me, and I'm so excited to start doing it. I've been wanting to just hurry up and WORK THERE for months. Basically what I would be doing is taking stories off the AP wire and writing them for a news broadcast, for whatever the time allotted happens to be. I write what the anchors read off the TelePrompTer. But its an entry level position, and they will train you on every single area of producing a news broadcast, including shooting, editing, directing the show, setting up the segments, stacking the show, etc. It's up to your own effort and initiative- you can learn as little or as much as you want. So basically I plan to come in and learn everything possible and win all sorts of broadcasting awards (do they even have those for producers?) and run that shit in a few years. I'd learn a lot, and be able to add a ton of great and really versatile experience to my resume. They often promote from within, which is actually how this position became open, when an AP got promoted to a Producer. Also it is an ABC affiliate, so realistically if I wanted to move up and on I could try to go on to work for any other ABC affiliate in the country. You guys, this job is great for me. I am going to KICK ASS at it.

Now all they have to do is let me start....

Whew, I'm tired. Are you guys tired from reading this? Lots of things. Good job keeping up with me for so long. So what's been going on with you? Now you know why I haven't been around a whole lot lately and what I've been up to.

Now then, tell me all about you!