You know how Facebook puts together a little year in review
feature for you? Like, here was your 2013? Well after I looked at mine I
thought, shit, I’m exhausted. And no wonder. I’d forgotten how very many things
happened to me this year.
In 2013 I:
1)Started freelancing and stopped working for Greg’s aunt
2)Started going to a clinical nutritionist and undertook a
drastic diet/exercise/supplement life change thing
3) Began a passionate but ultimately ill-fated relationship
Got out of a relationship in a crazy toxic break-up
situation
4) Started a new job about a week later as an Associate
Producer at News 10
5) Learned a whole new field/job/way of writing
6)Lost my job
7) Got back together with my ex in a fit of sadness and
vulnerability
8) Realized instantly it was a mistake
9) Went through the agonizing, but ultimately right choice
to tell said ex that though I loved him as a human, we could never ever be
together romantically, and so I had to completely close the door on that
10) Was still, through the effort and maturity of both of
us, able to maintain a friendship with said ex
11) Met a new guy that I like very much
It wasn’t until I saw the whole retrospective all together
that it hit me. So many things have happened this year!! My goodness. I feel
like I’ve packed like four or five years of learning and growing and hard times
into one tumultuous 12 month period.
My mom also reminded me this morning that as of this coming
Monday (December 30) my grandma will have been dead for 3 years. I always seem
to forget, or block out, the dates of my grandparents death. But my mom and
aunt remind me, because they both seem to be hyper-aware of them. I think it’s
just a different way that we grieve- I want to forget the dates because they
hurt, and they need to remember them. Not, of course, that I forget the time
period, or time of year, or that it serves to blunt any of the experience. Its
just different ways that the three of us react.
Isn’t it funny the way time works around emotionally charged
experiences? It does not seem like three years at all. It seems like ten
minutes sometimes, and also like decades, an eternity. As of early January my
grandfather will be dead five years. That seems much further in the past to
me. Because at the same time, I
had just gotten to Barcelona. And that seems like a lifetime ago.
Also this year I started talking about and getting treatment
for my anxiety. This is a good, but sometimes daunting step. I realized that
although my depression was fairly stable, I still had pretty significant
anxiety that I felt hampered me in everyday activities. I went to a social
worker/practitioner and was diagnosed with generalized anxiety/panic disorder.
She made me feel better, and said that it was very common. Just being able to think about it and
talk about it with my mom and close friends was a big deal. I started using
anti-anxiety meds, just when I need them. And I am SO glad I did. They don’t make me feel drugged or out
of it, and I don’t feel addicted to them, or like I need them on a daily basis.
They just help me be normal, and take away that all encompassing “ahhh help im
going to die” panicky feeling. So I have them when I need them, which is a huge
comfort. I’ve been learning lots about myself and my anxiety and I reflect on
it. It’s really a current that’s run throughout my childhood and entire life,
but I didn’t realize it. Or name it as such. But as I think about it, so many
things I did or didn’t do- anxiety was the root cause. It’s kind of
mind-blowing. But these are all good steps, I know. Talking about how I feel,
and getting treatment when I need it, and learning patterns and motivations.
And accepting myself and how I feel. I’m really proud of myself, because I was
SO SCARED to make that step. It was incredibly hard. And I did it. Yay, me!
Hmm, so what do I want for myself in the coming year? Well,
more of what I’ve always wanted. Confidence and consistency. (Look, I even made
an alliteration.) Confidence to realize my value, and consistency to follow
through with the things I want, in seeking my goals.
This
year, as I thought about resolutions, I thought about two things I wanted to
work on. And it occurred to me that both of these things are based in fear. I
want to try to procrastinate less. That’s a behavior of avoidance, and it
really makes things much more difficult the longer it goes on. Also, I realized
there are lots of things I don’t try for, because I’m afraid of failing. I’d
like to learn to go for the things I want, and be less worried about the
outcome- failure/success, etc. Slowly I want to learn to let go of the fear
that causes both of these habits.
So, that’s my year in (super) brief. How has your 2013 been?
What have you been up to? Now that I’ve told you about me, tell me about what’s
been going on with you all.
sits down to hear stories
