I've been thinking about a conversation I had with a old college friend of mine. This must have been six or eight months ago, but I haven't been able to get it out of my head.
We went to school together for two years, and one of those years she lived on my floor. She was a nice girl, but had bipolar disorder, so at times she was really hard to deal with. I remember saying to my best friend that I liked her but that she was exhausting, because you never knew which person would show up- nice Becca and or crazy Becca. We'd been Facebook friends, but hadn't talked in, what, four or five years? Since then she's made a lot of life changes, including coming out as a lesbian and moving in with her girlfriend. This is more of a big deal if you know our history, and that we went to a conservative Christian college. She really seemed just so much happier and healthier all around, which was great. For whatever reason (I don't remember now) we started chatting on Facebook chat. What she said about me really blew me away.
She said she looked up to me so much at that time. She has a vivid memory of us sitting on my bed freshman year, and she was really upset about something and crying, and I was talking her through it. Apparently I said to her something like "I know this is really difficult for you now, but you're going to get over this hump and you'll look back later, and it won't seem big at all. You'll wonder why you were so upset about it, because you'll have progressed miles from that point." She said that really helped her, and that she gives that advice to people to this day. I honestly have no memory of ever saying that. Wow. But I do remember how I felt then- I was confident, and radiant, and full of an unshakeable sense of self. The whole world seemed to open up before me, and I was ready to embark into that world. Her comments seem to back up that assessment.
First of all, it's really flattering and touching to find out years later that you made an impact on someone, that you were able to help them and that they looked up to you. That is honestly really great advice, that I don't even remember giving. Where did I get such wisdom at eighteen? Where did that come from, what hidden place? I certainly don't feel wise now, or strong or confident. I sure as hell don't feel radiant or unshakeable. At some point, and honestly I remember exactly the point (or at least the first time this happened) that the world broke me (ugh, how very dramatic) or that something broke in me, and that I lost my sense of self, my belief in my self and my own strong qualities. I feel like ever since then I've been trying to build back to that point, to rebuild myself back to my own potential and what I could be. But I'm different now. I've been through lots more and I'm older, and I can't go back to that place. But how do I go forward?
I said to Becca that it was incredibly gratifying to talk to her and hear what she thought about me then, because I had been going through a really difficult year (or really few years, if I'm being completely honest). She was surprised. She assumed by my Facebook posts and pictures that I was happy and doing well. But of course I always make sure to only speak of positive things on Facebook, because I don't really think that's the forum to share your problems. Everyone puts a mask on with social media that their lives are perfect, and that the pictures of them smiling with friends and at weddings and with new babies are the whole truth. I do too. Facebook isn't real.
But I can't stop thinking about it. I was so awesome then! I was so awesome and I didn't even know it!! How did I not know that? And more importantly, why am I not like that now? Where is that wisdom? Where is that confidence? Where is that radiant joy, waiting to bubble out? I'd like it back. I'd like to be the fullest, happiest, strongest, wisest, best version of myself.
The question is how.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Updates
Man, oh man, you guys! Things have been happening!! They weren't always good things, but they were definitely things. Let me catch you up on what I've been up to for the last few months.
So let's see. Well in January I started officially dating a guy I'd been seeing for a few months. His name is Bavard. He's Persian, and originally from Atlanta, finishing up his Master's in English Lit at a local university this semester and working at a homeless shelter for women and children on the weekends. He has a really cute two year old pitbull named Shogun.
Also recently, I began seeing a clinical nutritionist to help treat my migraines. I started a really strict new diet right after Thanksgiving. It eliminated basically any sort of possible inflammatory or food trigger type food, including gluten, sugar, alcohol, dairy, nightshade plants (tomatoes, potatoes, eggplants), beans/legumes, nuts and seeds. So basically, that left me with lean proteins, veggies, and low glycemic index fruits, and water, tea or coffee to drink. (I insisted on keeping the coffee, as much for everyone else's safety and well being as my own.) I also started on a number of nutritional supplements, including a probiotic, and got a whole bunch of blood work. The diet has honestly been REALLY hard, especially at first. The first two weeks were brutal. I literally broke down in tears at one point and was sobbing "I just want to eat an entire pizza so bad right now!!" But it's definitely paid off. My migraines have been noticeably better, my cholesterol and blood pressure and BMI have dropped, and I've lost 25 pounds, with 15 of those pounds being pure fat. I've also learned a lot about food and nutrition and how to fuel my body in the process. Also, through my doctor, who is awesome and literally one of the nicest men on the planet, I've been able to pinpoint some sources of my migraines that I had no idea about before. I've been able to add in a few things slowly now, so that's been good. Also you can definitely see a change in my body with the new diet and added exercise, which is super encouraging.
Here are some of the main things I've learned:
1) Low blood sugar/Hypoglycemia- This is a big problem for me, and a big trigger. If I don't eat enough or often enough, my blood sugar gets too low and I get a migraine. This is one of the very biggest things I've found that effects whether I get a headache or not. So I've been making sure to eat at least every three hours, so I maintain a consistent blood sugar level. I try to eat healthy and within my diet as much as possible, but it seems most important that I eat *something*.
2) Vitamin D- Apparently I have really low Vitamin D, so I've been taking a supplement. I've also found that it helps my mood a lot, and improves anxiety/depression.
3) Pure Food- Rather than a specific food trigger, I've found that I've been helped a lot by avoiding prepackaged food that's packed with sugar and salt and chemicals. The simpler and purer, the better. This seems really simple, but it's crazy how much better your body feels when you give it real food.
4) I already knew that stress and hormones were a factor for me, and they continue to be so. There is only so much I can realistically do about that though, so at this point I just have to be aware of it and do my best to manage stress and get enough sleep and take care of myself. You know, all that stuff that you should be doing for yourself anyway.
*I was about to post this, and then I remembered another thing that happened, that was really crappy. At the end of January, I ended up having to go to the ER for gallbladder problems. So that sucked. Turns out I had gallstones and my gallbladder was all angry, and at least a good part of it was due to my new diet. The main causes of gallbladder problems are a diet full of too much fat (not my problem at all) or a major weight loss and a diet really low in fat. It was less the amount of pounds I lost, but more the fact that most of what I lost was fat. So the fat composition in my body shifted radically, and it made my gallbladder angry. Which made me really angry, because I was doing this really difficult thing to improve my health, and it ended up making me sick. What the fresh f**k is all that about?! I didn't want to have my gallbladder removed, because I didn't want surgery and it causes you to have at least some manner of digestive issues for the rest of your life. So I talked to my nutritionist and he gave me a supplement to help with bile production and the function of my gallbladder, and that's helped a lot. It still gets angry on me sometimes, when I haven't eaten enough all day, or when I've eaten something that is really processed and fatty. But overall it's a lot better. But those few weeks when I was struggling with the gallbladder symptoms and also still having migraines and I was angry and didn't know what the crap I was supposed to be doing with my diet....yeah that sucked. Pretty hard.
But anyway, big reduction in the migraines, which is great. Because it opens up the possibility of being able to do the next thing I've got to tell you about- working full time. Remember that status I posted ages ago being preliminarily happy about a new job? Well.
There has been an ENORMOUS amount of waffling and going back and forth about this one. It's been incredibly annoying, because I only wanted to tell everybody when I was certain I had the job, but everything kept changing and being uncertain!! Bah!! So I'm finally talking about it now, when it's more of a sure thing.
Anyway, a bit more about the job. I've been offered an Assistant Producer position at a local news station. I first got word of the job, what, last November, when a friend of a friend and I started talking out at a bar and she mentioned the position after I gave her my business card. Many many moons later- a phone interview, an in person interview, a writing test, a tour, and a drug/background test later- I've been offered the job. Unfortunately the start date has been pushed back to the beginning of April, for like a dozen legitimate but annoying reasons that I don't feel like explaining. This job would be great for me, and I'm so excited to start doing it. I've been wanting to just hurry up and WORK THERE for months. Basically what I would be doing is taking stories off the AP wire and writing them for a news broadcast, for whatever the time allotted happens to be. I write what the anchors read off the TelePrompTer. But its an entry level position, and they will train you on every single area of producing a news broadcast, including shooting, editing, directing the show, setting up the segments, stacking the show, etc. It's up to your own effort and initiative- you can learn as little or as much as you want. So basically I plan to come in and learn everything possible and win all sorts of broadcasting awards (do they even have those for producers?) and run that shit in a few years. I'd learn a lot, and be able to add a ton of great and really versatile experience to my resume. They often promote from within, which is actually how this position became open, when an AP got promoted to a Producer. Also it is an ABC affiliate, so realistically if I wanted to move up and on I could try to go on to work for any other ABC affiliate in the country. You guys, this job is great for me. I am going to KICK ASS at it.
Now all they have to do is let me start....
Whew, I'm tired. Are you guys tired from reading this? Lots of things. Good job keeping up with me for so long. So what's been going on with you? Now you know why I haven't been around a whole lot lately and what I've been up to.
Now then, tell me all about you!
So let's see. Well in January I started officially dating a guy I'd been seeing for a few months. His name is Bavard. He's Persian, and originally from Atlanta, finishing up his Master's in English Lit at a local university this semester and working at a homeless shelter for women and children on the weekends. He has a really cute two year old pitbull named Shogun.
Also recently, I began seeing a clinical nutritionist to help treat my migraines. I started a really strict new diet right after Thanksgiving. It eliminated basically any sort of possible inflammatory or food trigger type food, including gluten, sugar, alcohol, dairy, nightshade plants (tomatoes, potatoes, eggplants), beans/legumes, nuts and seeds. So basically, that left me with lean proteins, veggies, and low glycemic index fruits, and water, tea or coffee to drink. (I insisted on keeping the coffee, as much for everyone else's safety and well being as my own.) I also started on a number of nutritional supplements, including a probiotic, and got a whole bunch of blood work. The diet has honestly been REALLY hard, especially at first. The first two weeks were brutal. I literally broke down in tears at one point and was sobbing "I just want to eat an entire pizza so bad right now!!" But it's definitely paid off. My migraines have been noticeably better, my cholesterol and blood pressure and BMI have dropped, and I've lost 25 pounds, with 15 of those pounds being pure fat. I've also learned a lot about food and nutrition and how to fuel my body in the process. Also, through my doctor, who is awesome and literally one of the nicest men on the planet, I've been able to pinpoint some sources of my migraines that I had no idea about before. I've been able to add in a few things slowly now, so that's been good. Also you can definitely see a change in my body with the new diet and added exercise, which is super encouraging.
Here are some of the main things I've learned:
1) Low blood sugar/Hypoglycemia- This is a big problem for me, and a big trigger. If I don't eat enough or often enough, my blood sugar gets too low and I get a migraine. This is one of the very biggest things I've found that effects whether I get a headache or not. So I've been making sure to eat at least every three hours, so I maintain a consistent blood sugar level. I try to eat healthy and within my diet as much as possible, but it seems most important that I eat *something*.
2) Vitamin D- Apparently I have really low Vitamin D, so I've been taking a supplement. I've also found that it helps my mood a lot, and improves anxiety/depression.
3) Pure Food- Rather than a specific food trigger, I've found that I've been helped a lot by avoiding prepackaged food that's packed with sugar and salt and chemicals. The simpler and purer, the better. This seems really simple, but it's crazy how much better your body feels when you give it real food.
4) I already knew that stress and hormones were a factor for me, and they continue to be so. There is only so much I can realistically do about that though, so at this point I just have to be aware of it and do my best to manage stress and get enough sleep and take care of myself. You know, all that stuff that you should be doing for yourself anyway.
*I was about to post this, and then I remembered another thing that happened, that was really crappy. At the end of January, I ended up having to go to the ER for gallbladder problems. So that sucked. Turns out I had gallstones and my gallbladder was all angry, and at least a good part of it was due to my new diet. The main causes of gallbladder problems are a diet full of too much fat (not my problem at all) or a major weight loss and a diet really low in fat. It was less the amount of pounds I lost, but more the fact that most of what I lost was fat. So the fat composition in my body shifted radically, and it made my gallbladder angry. Which made me really angry, because I was doing this really difficult thing to improve my health, and it ended up making me sick. What the fresh f**k is all that about?! I didn't want to have my gallbladder removed, because I didn't want surgery and it causes you to have at least some manner of digestive issues for the rest of your life. So I talked to my nutritionist and he gave me a supplement to help with bile production and the function of my gallbladder, and that's helped a lot. It still gets angry on me sometimes, when I haven't eaten enough all day, or when I've eaten something that is really processed and fatty. But overall it's a lot better. But those few weeks when I was struggling with the gallbladder symptoms and also still having migraines and I was angry and didn't know what the crap I was supposed to be doing with my diet....yeah that sucked. Pretty hard.
But anyway, big reduction in the migraines, which is great. Because it opens up the possibility of being able to do the next thing I've got to tell you about- working full time. Remember that status I posted ages ago being preliminarily happy about a new job? Well.
There has been an ENORMOUS amount of waffling and going back and forth about this one. It's been incredibly annoying, because I only wanted to tell everybody when I was certain I had the job, but everything kept changing and being uncertain!! Bah!! So I'm finally talking about it now, when it's more of a sure thing.
Anyway, a bit more about the job. I've been offered an Assistant Producer position at a local news station. I first got word of the job, what, last November, when a friend of a friend and I started talking out at a bar and she mentioned the position after I gave her my business card. Many many moons later- a phone interview, an in person interview, a writing test, a tour, and a drug/background test later- I've been offered the job. Unfortunately the start date has been pushed back to the beginning of April, for like a dozen legitimate but annoying reasons that I don't feel like explaining. This job would be great for me, and I'm so excited to start doing it. I've been wanting to just hurry up and WORK THERE for months. Basically what I would be doing is taking stories off the AP wire and writing them for a news broadcast, for whatever the time allotted happens to be. I write what the anchors read off the TelePrompTer. But its an entry level position, and they will train you on every single area of producing a news broadcast, including shooting, editing, directing the show, setting up the segments, stacking the show, etc. It's up to your own effort and initiative- you can learn as little or as much as you want. So basically I plan to come in and learn everything possible and win all sorts of broadcasting awards (do they even have those for producers?) and run that shit in a few years. I'd learn a lot, and be able to add a ton of great and really versatile experience to my resume. They often promote from within, which is actually how this position became open, when an AP got promoted to a Producer. Also it is an ABC affiliate, so realistically if I wanted to move up and on I could try to go on to work for any other ABC affiliate in the country. You guys, this job is great for me. I am going to KICK ASS at it.
Now all they have to do is let me start....
Whew, I'm tired. Are you guys tired from reading this? Lots of things. Good job keeping up with me for so long. So what's been going on with you? Now you know why I haven't been around a whole lot lately and what I've been up to.
Now then, tell me all about you!
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