Wisdom

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with a old college friend of mine. This must have been six or eight months ago, but I haven't been able to get it out of my head.

We went to school together for two years, and one of those years she lived on my floor. She was a nice girl, but had bipolar disorder, so at times she was really hard to deal with. I remember saying to my best friend that I liked her but that she was exhausting, because you never knew which person would show up- nice Becca and or crazy Becca. We'd been Facebook friends, but hadn't talked in, what, four or five years? Since then she's made a lot of life changes, including coming out as a lesbian and moving in with her girlfriend. This is more of a big deal if you know our history, and that we went to a conservative Christian college. She really seemed just so much happier and healthier all around, which was great. For whatever reason (I don't remember now) we started chatting on Facebook chat. What she said about me really blew me away.

She said she looked up to me so much at that time. She has a vivid memory of us sitting on my bed freshman year, and she was really upset about something and crying, and I was talking her through it. Apparently I said to her something like "I know this is really difficult for you now, but you're going to get over this hump and you'll look back later, and it won't seem big at all. You'll wonder why you were so upset about it, because you'll have progressed miles from that point." She said that really helped her, and that she gives that advice to people to this day. I honestly have no memory of ever saying that. Wow. But I do remember how I felt then- I was confident, and radiant, and full of an unshakeable sense of self. The whole world seemed to open up before me, and I was ready to embark into that world. Her comments seem to back up that assessment.

First of all, it's really flattering and touching to find out years later that you made an impact on someone, that you were able to help them and that they looked up to you. That is honestly really great advice, that I don't even remember giving. Where did I get such wisdom at eighteen? Where did that come from, what hidden place? I certainly don't feel wise now, or strong or confident. I sure as hell don't feel radiant or unshakeable. At some point, and honestly I remember exactly the point (or at least the first time this happened) that the world broke me (ugh, how very dramatic) or that something broke in me, and that I lost my sense of self, my belief in my self and my own strong qualities. I feel like ever since then I've been trying to build back to that point, to rebuild myself back to my own potential and what I could be. But I'm different now. I've been through lots more and I'm older, and I can't go back to that place. But how do I go forward?

I said to Becca that it was incredibly gratifying to talk to her and hear what she thought about me then, because I had been going through a really difficult year (or really few years, if I'm being completely honest). She was surprised. She assumed by my Facebook posts and pictures that I was happy and doing well. But of course I always make sure to only speak of positive things on Facebook, because I don't really think that's the forum to share your problems. Everyone puts a mask on with social media that their lives are perfect, and that the pictures of them smiling with friends and at weddings and with new babies are the whole truth. I do too. Facebook isn't real.

But I can't stop thinking about it. I was so awesome then! I was so awesome and I didn't even know it!! How did I not know that?  And more importantly, why am I not like that now? Where is that wisdom? Where is that confidence? Where is that radiant joy, waiting to bubble out? I'd like it back. I'd like to be the fullest, happiest, strongest, wisest, best version of myself.

The question is how.